Fightback: Part 2 of n

Yesterday was… interesting. I went and started an 8 session mindfulness course. It got me to do some meditation that I haven’t done for a long while. And it was damn good timing.

I was struggling a lot yesterday, physically and emotionally. So much of me was aching. My stomach constantly felt like I was hungry, my chest felt tight and I just couldn’t settle. Even going through guided meditation my mind was flickering from one thing to another to another.

The mindfulness session got me thinking though. How useful would mindfulness courses be for people with autism. And I don’t mean the opening yourself to all of your senses because that may be too overwhelming for some people with sensory issues. But it’s controlling the sensory inputs to the mind.

It was quite interesting when we were given some raisins to eat mindfully because I followed the instructions and while doing so I realised that’s exactly how I eat food I’ve never eaten before.

It always surprises me how surprised other people are during mindfulness sessions. It’s not rare for people to be like “oh yeah I never realised that before”. I understand how they haven’t noticed certain things before because they just haven’t paid attention but I don’t get how they haven’t paid attention.

Last night I was constantly trying to find things to distract myself and I just couldn’t find anything. All I wanted, all my mind wanted to do was talk to my ex and know she’s alright. And I know I could have got in touch with her but the last communication between us was from me and I don’t want to push it. I don’t want to anger her or upset her or make the situation any worse. If I could I’d do anything to make things right but I don’t think there’s anything that I can do. And yet despite this, I can’t help but have a burning flame. Here’s a chorus from a song that is pretty apt I think:

And the flame still burns
It’s there in my soul for that unfinished goal
And the flame still burns
From a glimmer of then
It lights up again in my life
In my life, yeah

I’m getting my son tomorrow for a week and before I get him I always get nervous. I start asking myself so many questions like how is he and how’s he going to be. Is there anything I can do for him, what does he want to do, how the hell am I going to afford to feed him.

I also start to remember how hard I find it when I’ve had him for a week and then he goes back to his mums. All of a sudden everything just seems so quiet and empty. I’ll walk out the house and feel like I’ve left him.

One of my downfalls as a father is I always worry I’m not good enough for him but this is also a positive thing because it pushes me to always try and be better for him.

Yesterday I realised that one crucial thing I’m missing in my life is helping people. Truly touching their spirit and their hearts.

Working in the job I did. There was a few times where I felt I impacted some people’s lives so much that on the extreme I could well have saved their lives. Helping people to that extreme, though, it can be very demanding emotionally and although I want to do it more than anything, I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready for it.

I think today what I’m going to do is do some tidying and cleaning and try to focus my mind because I still feel I’m very much the same place as I did last night and I know I need to settle my mind.

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