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Fightback: part 1 of n

After I finished writing my last post I was feeling pretty optimistic, and that doesn’t happen very often. Unfortunately someone sent me something and I read one line and it flattened the optimism. To be honest it knocked me for six. It made me question a lot of things. Now I’m not going to go into too many details of that particular thing because I think that would be unfair on the person that wrote it. But I believe I know why it was said and what was meant by it. Although it still put me on my ass. I find it quite funny how your mind and heart can be in different places at the same time. For instance you can read something, feel one thing about what was said but think another thing. And usually you can’t override one with the other. and that’s exactly where I was on Sunday night. Knocked for six, struggling to sleep.

Then came Monday morning. I need to go to the doctors for several things at the minute. I’ve got a problem with the nerves in my hand, I’m struggling to sleep, I need to talk about some medications and I need a sick note for the oh so joyful Universal Credit. But after having a night of barely sleeping I got up and had such a lack of energy and motivation I just went straight back to bed. I managed to sleep about another hour. I got up and thought “I’m going to pop in to my old work”.

It’s not quite as random as it seams. I’ve been wanting to pop in to my old workplace for a while and on Friday I sore two old work colleagues and told them I would be going in at some point. I ended up being there for a good few hours. I was really honest with a few people there. Not that I purposefully lied to anyone. But you know how conversations go “Hey how are you?” “I’m not too bad thanks how are you” and blah blah blah blah blah. It’s not as if you can really turn around and say “you know what I’m shit, but how have you been?”

Telling those sorts of lies and indulging others in small talk always drains me. It probably always will. But all in all, despite how tired it all made me, I am so glad I went in. I’ve got the ball rolling on others helping me. Because as much as I may want to help myself, I won’t get anywhere unless someone chucks me a rope to get me out of this flow of water I’ve been in.

After my visit, I went straight home and I just laid on my bed and closed my eyes. I didn’t sleep. I just needed to shut down for a bit. It was like I had to process everything I had experienced on my little trip out and about. A few hours later I felt more refreshed. I think the key is giving myself that time to shutdown and to recoup the energy I use, which a lot of time in the past I never did. I’d come home and I would instantly be doing something. Even if it was watching some programs or playing on a game or researching something, I wouldn’t rest my mind.

I know a lot of people won’t understand my energy levels right now. But what you have got to think of is everyone has different energy levels when you think about it. Some people are constantly doing things in the evenings and weekends and still seem like they have so much energy. Then there’s others who don’t seem to do as much in comparison but they don’t have the energy to do so much. When you add a few medical conditions on to that, it is easy to see why I have low energy.

Today I went to my mums for an hour and it is only a 10 minute walk from mine. But after being there an hour and I got home, I spent just as much time resting and recouping. Once again, I felt so much better for it.

So I think the lesson I have learned over the past two days is accept my energy limitations. Accept that I need to rest. It’s not a want I think it definitely is a need. And I need to make sure that I don’t start saying “ok, I’ll do this this and this.” and then not be able to do half of the things because I just don’t have the mental energy at the moment to be able to sustain myself like that.

I just hope over the next few days I keep up feeling a little bit refreshed. I don’t mean feeling great or happy or anything like amazing. I just mean feeling a little tiny bit refreshed has given me a break from some of the negativity and it is helping me move forward, regardless of hurt or pain. Let’s just hope the fight carries on.

I hope you all keep strong.

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