The paving of my road

Do you ever feel like you have so much to say and yet you just can’t find the words to say it? I’ve been trying to write this blog post for a while now but the words just won’t come. So I apologise for the bluntness of this blog, and as I do not know what I am going to write I’d just to say I am not looking for sympathy or to make anyone feel guilty. All I am trying to do with this post is find my words again.

I am in a low place right now. I feel like I’m stuck under water and sinking to the bottom is a hell of a lot closer than the surface. Now while I’ve been in this place I almost dragged someone down with me that I love very much but she had to let go. Despite how things ended, knowing how I’ve been, I can’t blame her one bit. It’s a vicious cycle that I find myself in. I guess it all stems from that feeling of loneliness. I know I have friends and family. People that will listen to me or try and help me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel lonely or like I just don’t belong here. Please don’t misconstrued this as any form of suicidal ideations. Don’t get me wrong I’d love to not feel like this anymore. But can you imagine the pain my son would feel? I could not do that to him.

Over the past few days I’ve realised a few important things. First off, I don’t fit in. I most definitely do not fit the “norm” whatever that is and you know what?! I don’t want to actually fit in. So there’s two places I can be in this regard. I can either beat myself up and be down about it constantly for the rest of my life or I can stand up and be visible to the world.

The second thing I’ve realised, and I don’t know why I’ve only just realised this, but pain and hurt and anguish, they stick around like a red wine stain on a cream carpet. Happiness on the other hand comes and goes and so you better cherish every smile you have and every smile you give someone else.

I know fair well that I am going to be in a low place for a while. There is no way I can hurt like I do and click my fingers and it all just flip around. But what can change are the small thoughts. Such as knowing it’s entirely up to me if I put my head up above the crowd or if I shrink and hide away.

I know there are many people that see me or listen to me and believe I’m just constantly negative, but I assure you I am not. The negativity is just so much easier to express. Having said that, there are very few people that know of the occasions I have tried or wanted to take my own life. That’s mainly because I haven’t wanted the guilt ridden sympathy people tend to show you. I hate it. These are my problems that I will deal with. I have no choice but to deal with them and so that’s what I will do.

I will be turning my thoughts around. I’ll be bouncing back and trust me, when I’m back, you will know.

I do feel guilty towards myself though because I know fair well I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing it for my son, and for the people I’ve driven away. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to bounce back up. Despite how low I’ve been over the years or the suicide attempts I don’t think I’ve ever truly hit the ground hard enough to make think “oi what the hell are you playing at”.

I’ve felt so trapped for so long that I haven’t allowed myself to be free and to get better. I’ve just sat in the situation and thought “this is how it is get used to it”. There’s a lot in my life I have no control over and will never have control over. But do I really want control?! I don’t think I really do. I think it’s more the thought “if I wanted to I couldn’t”.

Anyway I shouldn’t ramble too much longer. I guess the main point of this blog post is yes I’ve been extremely low and no I won’t be better next week, but the true road to my mental recovery starts here because I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of losing people I love and people I care about, I’ve had enough of feeling like my son deserves better and I’ve had enough of hiding in the shadows waiting for monsters to get me. It’s time I stand in the light and say: if you want me, you come get me. I’m not going anywhere. No matter how I feel no matter where my head is at you will not defeat me. I’ve loved and I’ve lost but my heart still beats. And while there is breath in my body I will fight. For myself, probably not, but for my son… absolutely. For the happiness of others… definitely. And for the people I miss and I’ve lost… completely.

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