I have been diagnosed with anxiety for a few years now. But the truth is, I’ve probably had it for as long as I can remember. At its best it is just like nerves, but at its worst, well it’s like a bubbling in the stomach whilst over thinking. Once I’m anxious, it’s too late, there’s not much I can do about it. It is well and truly a vicious cycle.
Anxiety has ended relationships, kept me from social occasions, held me back at work and many more negative things.
On the upside anxiety has kept me safe. I have been able to see trouble long before it happens. The problem with this is because of the nature of anxiety you overthink, and so you wonder if it’s just a self fulfilling prophesy.
Over the past month I have had many personal circumstances which have bottled up and been unraveling over the past week. My anxiety has been through the roof. It all has to release itself right? The problem is it’s been releasing itself with the one person I don’t have very much to be anxious about.
However, as my anxiety is a mixture of things, it makes me overthink everything. My partner tries to be supportive and caring. The problem with this is because I’m being different she’s being different. She is obviously trying her best to support me and care for me but the extent of which she is, mixed with her not knowing what to do so trying every trick in the book, makes me feel things have changed and thus I get more anxious.
The thing is, it has changed but it’s because of my anxiety in the first place. The last thing I would want is to push her away and / or hurt her, and yet anxiety usually leads to just that.
She’s an absolute saint, a true angel, because in all honesty, the way I act sometimes is just down right shit. I try to control my anxiety as much as I can, but as you can tell it’s not always successful.
I think that part of my problem is I don’t find a release for my anxiety, I just try to control it. Anxiety is very much like a lion in a circus. The more you try to tame and control it, the more likely at some point, it is to turn around and attack.
The hardest part of all is that you end up getting stuck in the cycle of anxiety and you have to break out of it before you ruin something amazing. I don’t want to lose my partner but I fear I will purely because of the anxiety. I hope we are able to fight through this together.
I always get through this when I’m alone but for the first time ever that is not what I actually want to happen to be able to get better. There is only myself that can fight my mind but it certainly does help when I have someone by my side.
Another massive problem is although I can identify what is anxiety, it doesn’t mean I can always stop it from taking control. Even after I’ve been anxious and everything is ok and my mind is at ease, if there’s even a slither of anxiety left, my mind will be like “hang on a minute, why would she want to be with you when you acted like that?” It’s one of those tricky situations that once you lose control for even a second, well it’s too late.
You’re probably wondering why I’m writing this by this point. Ell it’s quite simple, I have to write to help me understand my feelings and what is going on in my mind. I also wanted to explain to my partner, the reasons behind some things.
Most of all I wanted to say to my partner, friends, and family;
I’m sorry. I try my best and it doesn’t always work I know that. But I am trying. You have all been amazing with some of the crap you have put up with from me. One day I hope to make it up to you all. I don’t know how or when but I’m going to try.